Confuse ... I.N.G.
I wonder how many times I have not done what I've promised my PAPA... I told Him I will try to keep to my QT everyday... but yet... everyday... I am so tired...and I care more about watching TV then doing my QT....
But then... when I work... I hope that God can bless me... I hope God can bless me in my work life, in my personal life... then when I dun see the blessings I get angry and then I stop doing what I promised Him... I thought.. ah.. Let me throw my tantrums lah... But everything is not working...
Guess when I see my PAPA's love for me... I just want Him to love me in the way I like to love ppl in.... I guess... the way I love ppl... (correct me if I am wrong) is by gifts... for those who are familiar with the Gifts of Love... I feel that my way of loving ppl is to bless them with things.. I feel happy when I give someone a treat.. or give someone something... and I definately feel loved if ppl do that to me as well... Guess it seems to be in my upbrining as my mum and dad is always giving me things and that makes me feel loved by them...
Then... when I do not see God giving me things.. I start thinking if He really loves me or not... I want Him to give me certain things.. and its like I determine the gifts I want to get.... I told Him.. PAPA..I wana a new job... I want a boyfriend.... I told Him... isn't that 2 things not a lot of effort? Just two simple things.. but will i really be satisfied after that? What are my reasons for that?
1) A new job
I guess I seem to be unhappy with my job. But am I really unhapppy? I do like what I am doing I do like the boring mudane stuff... I do like writing reports and doing up charts and looking at excel.... What do I not like about my job then? I do not like myself when I quarrel with my boss... I do not like seeing myself throwing my temper... I do not like not meeting the standards... I do not like it when I have to do something I do not like.... But am I reallly unhappy there? I dun think so... Cos I got what I wanted most... FRIENDS... the bonds and friendships I hold far outweighs anything else.... But now... what I fear is that what if one day all these FRIENDS are gone? But is that an unfound fear? Why am i living in this fear when it is not happening at the moment? I also duno....
Another reason why I wana leave I guess is becos of pride? I guess sometimes, I feel if I am not around... maybe the co. will fall... maybe the team will not be able to complete all that is being done right now... But is that reallly so? Am I being too prideful? Am I thinking too highly of myself? I guess so bah... But shouldn't I not be a prideful person? Pride is a hindrance of all things... and it is something that is hindering from making me happy now....
2) Desire for a boyfriend
I guess it is how the way works... it seems the right path.. it seems the right way... ppl view women who are single and OLD VINEGER WOMEN.. hahaha... but... I wana a companion.. I felt I needed to prove that looking like that.. i still can have a boyfriend... I sometimes think... I am actually quite a nice person... why can't someone love me... does it all really boil down to looks? I also duno... but what are my real reasons for really wanting a partner? Is it reallly for companionship? Or is it becos I just wana tell others.. okie.. I am not the left out ppl... I am part of the "attached" group... Can I really take up this responsiblity? Love is not all lovey-dovey as it is in the movies or dramas... it takes more... I can't really understand what my reasons are as well... guess it is all... to show ppl... to have a companion... and to be loved.....
"sigh".. i duno lah... sometimes I feel my feelings are really driven by things around me... But my relationship with God should not be determined on programs or feelings... but why do I feel now that it seems so determined by that? I love my PAPA... I reallly do PAPA... but sometimes... I feel so far away from You... I miss those times when I felt You were so close... Today I can say I like to give my life to You.. .but tomolo when something happens.... I get angry....
I know You have already given me the greatest gift of all.... But why am I still questionning certain things? Maybe I should not look at how I view love... but to look at how You have loved me and what You have already done for me.... I duno lah.... I am so confused...
But then... when I work... I hope that God can bless me... I hope God can bless me in my work life, in my personal life... then when I dun see the blessings I get angry and then I stop doing what I promised Him... I thought.. ah.. Let me throw my tantrums lah... But everything is not working...
Guess when I see my PAPA's love for me... I just want Him to love me in the way I like to love ppl in.... I guess... the way I love ppl... (correct me if I am wrong) is by gifts... for those who are familiar with the Gifts of Love... I feel that my way of loving ppl is to bless them with things.. I feel happy when I give someone a treat.. or give someone something... and I definately feel loved if ppl do that to me as well... Guess it seems to be in my upbrining as my mum and dad is always giving me things and that makes me feel loved by them...
Then... when I do not see God giving me things.. I start thinking if He really loves me or not... I want Him to give me certain things.. and its like I determine the gifts I want to get.... I told Him.. PAPA..I wana a new job... I want a boyfriend.... I told Him... isn't that 2 things not a lot of effort? Just two simple things.. but will i really be satisfied after that? What are my reasons for that?
1) A new job
I guess I seem to be unhappy with my job. But am I really unhapppy? I do like what I am doing I do like the boring mudane stuff... I do like writing reports and doing up charts and looking at excel.... What do I not like about my job then? I do not like myself when I quarrel with my boss... I do not like seeing myself throwing my temper... I do not like not meeting the standards... I do not like it when I have to do something I do not like.... But am I reallly unhappy there? I dun think so... Cos I got what I wanted most... FRIENDS... the bonds and friendships I hold far outweighs anything else.... But now... what I fear is that what if one day all these FRIENDS are gone? But is that an unfound fear? Why am i living in this fear when it is not happening at the moment? I also duno....
Another reason why I wana leave I guess is becos of pride? I guess sometimes, I feel if I am not around... maybe the co. will fall... maybe the team will not be able to complete all that is being done right now... But is that reallly so? Am I being too prideful? Am I thinking too highly of myself? I guess so bah... But shouldn't I not be a prideful person? Pride is a hindrance of all things... and it is something that is hindering from making me happy now....
2) Desire for a boyfriend
I guess it is how the way works... it seems the right path.. it seems the right way... ppl view women who are single and OLD VINEGER WOMEN.. hahaha... but... I wana a companion.. I felt I needed to prove that looking like that.. i still can have a boyfriend... I sometimes think... I am actually quite a nice person... why can't someone love me... does it all really boil down to looks? I also duno... but what are my real reasons for really wanting a partner? Is it reallly for companionship? Or is it becos I just wana tell others.. okie.. I am not the left out ppl... I am part of the "attached" group... Can I really take up this responsiblity? Love is not all lovey-dovey as it is in the movies or dramas... it takes more... I can't really understand what my reasons are as well... guess it is all... to show ppl... to have a companion... and to be loved.....
"sigh".. i duno lah... sometimes I feel my feelings are really driven by things around me... But my relationship with God should not be determined on programs or feelings... but why do I feel now that it seems so determined by that? I love my PAPA... I reallly do PAPA... but sometimes... I feel so far away from You... I miss those times when I felt You were so close... Today I can say I like to give my life to You.. .but tomolo when something happens.... I get angry....
I know You have already given me the greatest gift of all.... But why am I still questionning certain things? Maybe I should not look at how I view love... but to look at how You have loved me and what You have already done for me.... I duno lah.... I am so confused...
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